Tired.

This post is not meant to sound ungrateful in any way for all of the opportunity I've been given this summer.

But

I am SO TIRED. and I go every day from work to driving to rehearsing to driving to sleeping and getting up 7 hours later to do it again.

A lot of people have told me that you have to be selfish in this career...any career, I guess. I'm finding it to be true more and more. This month, I thought I would miss Jon terribly, and I have. But I've also missed time alone as much as I've missed time with him.

I think I need to reevaluate how much time I spend on myself vs. others. I'm getting resentful of not having any time for fun. Singing is what USED to be my fun, and now it's my job. That's not to say it isn't fun...I love it more than anything in the world. But it is my job and I put so much time and energy into it that I have no time for anything else...even simple things like laundry. Or exercising.

On the plus side, I don't have to work tomorrow. So I will do laundry then. and maybe go to dance....

I did it!

Scenes came and went, last night and tonight, and both were very good! I am proud of myself and glad to know that if it comes down to the wire, I am capable of memorizing things pretty quickly.

however, this week has been pretty taxing on my voice, as it has been on the other voices in the program. There are always a couple weeks in summer programs where the staff REALLY pushes you in terms of singing, staging, and sleep deprivation. Tomorrow afternoon is our Broadway showcase, with a fairly light load for me - one solo and one duet. BUT the next day I have a French masterclass and want to sing the Gavotte, which is pretty challenging. That said, I plan to sleep a LOT and try not to drink/shout/talk much over the next couple of days. Hopefully after that I will have the voice I need to get through Manon. I am constantly adjusting my sleeping/eating/drinking needs according to my voice and its level of fatigue or strength...I hope it doesn't always need such radical adjustments in my schedule in order to function.

I noticed last week in my lesson and coaching that I sang for about 90 minutes straight without getting tired. I want to try and REALLY solidify my technique so I can do that every day, every performance without feeling sore or like my voice has any sort of fatigue. It's difficult but I believe absolutely necessary to eliminate those "weak" or "off" days.

French Overload

After a wonderful weekend in NYC, I'm back in Chicago and getting ready for opera scenes this weekend..we have the lovely and talented Amy Hutchison directing our scenes, and I'm learning an incredible amount. Most importantly, how to memorize about 50 pages in FRENCH in a very short period of time. I'm in 3 scenes - Act I of Manon, the card trio of Carmen, and the Lakme duet. 3 scenes from roughly the same Romantic - to- Impressionist period of French Music, which makes for a LOT of mixing up words. I'm trying to focus on the emotions and individual characteristics of each scene, and figure out "what am I SAYING (both actual text and subtext) in order to differentiate one scene from the next.

Expediting a learning process is not something I'm fond of, but it's an important skill to have, and this program is definitely a good teaching tool for learning music quickly and thoroughly.

All details for this weekend's performance, as well as the next few weeks of concerts, can be found here.

Hot Time, Summer in the City...

I'm in the middle of a WONDERFUL weekend in NY with Megan, my old college roommate, and bunch of friends here from college/singers I know from elsewhere that have moved to NYC.

Yesterday afternoon I had a lesson with my teacher from undergrad, and she got me back into my "happy singing place" if only for an hour. She was pleased with my progress, and we touched on a few technical things that have slipped/adjusted since I left her. But overall it was a positive experience.

Then, that evening, about 10 of the kids from my senior class at Purchase met up for dinner at a great Italian place in Midtown. And the night was lovely, from start to finish. I felt so comfortable being around the people I had grown up with in college. Some of us are still singing, some of us aren't. But that doesn't matter so much, as we have all grown to love and respect each other. It was a great night of reminiscing, drinking, eating, and laughing.

Pictures to follow! And a coaching in a few hours, followed by an evening of Karaoke! (there is NO WAY that would work if the order of those events were switched. I love to belt some Ella....)

Being a Grown-Up

...is hard. And something that you don't think about much until it happens. Or you DO think about it, but your delusions of grandeur are quickly dashed by student loan payments and bills and deadlines and rejections. And life decisions.

I feel like I'm doing okay about 80% of the time. But then something happens (like not being able to figure out how to drive to Madison, WI from Elgin, IL, which is RIDICULOUSLY easy once you know the way. Embarrassingly easy, actually.), and you are convinced that you are just FAILING at life...an irrational reaction, I know, but it happens. I often feel like I want my life to stop for a couple of days so I don't have any responsibilities. But it doesn't.

Of course there are so many wonderful things about my adult life too...I cannot believe that I am working towards making my living from singing onstage. I've been singing since I could talk (according to my mother) and it feels like the most natural thing in the world for me to do. So natural that I am willing to deal with poverty, putting off having children for about 8-10 years, being away from my significant other much of the time, and rarely seeing my family. This career is becoming all-consuming...the deeper I get into it, the less everything else matters and also the farther removed I feel from people in other walks of life. I don't think that's necessarily bad, but I wonder if other careers go as "deep" as classical music seems to go.

My thoughts for the day.

New-er look

Found a pretty template...thanks blogspot.

busy day today. Coaching in 45mins, lesson at 2, recital tonight. Trying out some new arias at my lesson...hope they get approved for comp and audition use!

Had an Elgin recital last night; it went well, and tonight is our French melodie concert. Psyched for that. I love me some French.

Maybe another post later today.

New look

So my blog has a bright spring/summer-y feel now! I was getting tired of the dark colors...not enough contrast against each other. This looks better.

Not much to report...I've been nannying a lot. And learning music at night. My voice is tired because my body is tired. My optimal voice is usually reached after I've had several consecutive nights during which i get 8-8.5 hours of sleep, with only about an hour of full-out singing during the day. These past few nights I've gotten only about 6 or 7 hours...for various reasons. Missing Jon, Mooshoo the cat deciding to bat around a crumpled piece of paper for 3 hours, waking up to check for an anxiously awaited email or 2...none of these are valid reasons for not sleeping.

Maybe it's time to break out the TylenolPM. I have a concert tomorrow night, a coaching, lesson, and concert on Saturday, and a rehearsal Sunday. My voice is THERE, it's just not feeling all silky-smooth like it does when I'm in top shape. And I learned last summer NOT to push your voice when you aren't at the top of your game. So I will rest tonight instead of singing....maybe just mark through my selections and scenes for the next couple of days.

Exploring Why I Sing and Have Chosen Opera as My Career

I stole this off the Wolf Trap Opera Blog because I think it is applicable to every singer at any given point during their career. It is an explanation, to yourself and to others, of why you have chosen this career. I have been as candid as possible in my answers.

Here we go:

* Who are you trying to please?

Myself and my audience. A lot of what I do behind the scenes (in a practice room) is a self-satisfactory level of technique and artistic expression. But once I am in front of an audience, I feel that I am wholly singing for THEM. I want people to feel like I've made a connection to them through my expression.


* Are you trying to make a living, make a difference, or leave a legacy?

I care more about the first two...I've recently reached a tricky point in my career where I still ABSOLUTELY NEED a day job in order to pay my bills/rent/food/student loans, but...I don't need it all the time. There have been/will be months where my living comes from singing, and that is the best feeling in the world. I also, as I mentioned above, am looking to make a positive difference in some lives through art. That is why I've participated/will continue to perform in outreach groups. If we don't have a next generation audience, there will be no next generation of opera. Legacy...well, that would be nice, but I would rather have a couple of kids be my legacy than my amazing voce.


* Where is your team – the people you trust?

My coaches, my boyfriend and my parents. I feel so fortunate to have worked with some of the best coaches in the World here in Chicago...my coach this past year has been the perfect mix of criticism, praise, honesty, and ass-kicking. I would not have gotten as far as I have this year without her. My boyfriend is another sort of coach...I am fortunate to have someone who has been at this game 8 years longer than I have to provide support, information, encouragement, and frankness. My parents have supported me since day 1...it's amazing how much they've done for me, not only financially, but emotionally. From "Are you SURE you need grad school? Ok, we'll figure out a way to make it happen" to "honey, I googled this opera company, you should look at them!" my parents have done everything in their power to help me succeed.


* What does busy look like?

Performing in 1 show, learning the next, and knowing there are 2 more around the corner....a.k.a. NOW :-)


* Choose: challenge your colleagues, or just do what they ask.

Challenge, but listen to their answers...but challenge! I hate how so many singers are taught they are "inferior" rhythmically and technically to their instrumental colleagues. I played violin for 12 years...my ear and my counting is as good as theirs, if I focus the way they do! I am also at a tricky place where coaches/conductors/directors are sort of my colleagues, and sort of my superiors. I gauge whether or not to challenge them, but it varies from situation to situation.


* Are you prepared to actively sell yourself?

Thanks to grad seminar and my inability to shut up, I am! I have the headshot/resume/bio/businesscard/website package put together, I am willing to do any sort of performance (within reason) and I think I'm good and don't mind telling people about myself. I am proud of who I am as an artist.


* Which: to invent a category or to be just like [insert name of famous singer here], but better?

I think I have to invent a category, since people tell me I have a "unique" sound. I don't want to be "just like" anyone, because I am not. And I despise the fach system trying to slot everyone into one type of role. Different roles speak to me and fit my voice different ways, and I try not to be shuttled into one category of voice type.


* How close to failure, wipe out and humiliation are you willing to fly? (And while we’re on the topic, how open to criticism are you willing to be?)

I've already stood on a street corner asking people for money to save Lake Michigan...500 rejections in 6 hours? My threshold of humiliation is sky-high. I'm still at the age where I believe I will succeed, so all criticism is welcome. I hope I never get too proud to accept criticism.


* Is perfect important? (Do you feel the need to fail privately, not in public?)

I have had semi-public failures already (not many, but I can remember them all, quite clearly, since the first one, when I was 11 and couldn't get through the first phrase of my solo on 1 breath in synagogue choir) and it feels terrible. I do embarrass easily, so it is difficult for me to imagine and accept public humiliation. That said, I never think what I do/sound like is perfect...but I need to work on accepting what I do and not questioning it, or trying to please everyone in every audience.


* How long can you wait before it feels as though you’re succeeding?

I've said till age 30..but one of my friends has put it another way: If you can achieve 1 or 2 milestones per year that feel significant to the growth of your career, you are already a success. By that motto, I have already succeeded this year. I think that plus eventually earning enough of a living to have kids, and I will feel satisfied with my success.


* Are you done personally growing, or are you willing to change and develop?

I'm 24...does ANYONE think they're done at that age? I change every day. Everybody does. If I don't feel as though I'm successful yet, I HOPE I can change and develop!

Goals

With all of my "thinking time" lately, I've come up with several goals for myself. I realized that saying you have too much time on your hands is really an avoidance technique. No one has enough time in their life to do all they'd like; I think this time is a blessing and a way to really focus on things which may, when I'm busy, fall by the wayside.

I've set goals for my body, my voice, and my mind...I'm getting back to writing (hence the upcoming higher frequency in blogging), and I've decided to focus on one or two very specific vocal issues and fix them. Another "mind goal" is to try and slow down, and harness my seemingly endless mental energy into a more focused approach to everything I do. That sounds kind of weird, but everybody my entire life has been telling me to "slow down" and I've ignored them. But I'm starting to think that I shouldn't...that learning to relax is not a way of giving up but a way of working towards getting what I want.

too much time on my hands

Jon left early this morning for Italy :( He will be a guest artist with the Oberlin in Italy program, singing the title role in their production of Don Giovanni.

While I am thrilled for him, I am SO SAD to go for 5 weeks without much contact..living together these past few weeks has been awesome, and I can't wait till he gets back on July 6 and we sing our Boheme with Verismo Opera Club of Chicago.

In the meantime, I suddenly feel as though I have NOTHING to do. This is not true at all...here is what's on my schedule for the next 5 weeks:

-Summer Outreach festival at Elgin. This includes, for me:
-German masterclass
-German concert
-French masterclass
-French concert
-staged opera scenes (act I of Manon, card trio from Carmen)
-Broadway concert (Gershwin, Carousel and Guys and Dolls scenes)
-small role/cover of lead in Dido

-continuing to babysit (I watch kids from 4 different families!) and teach piano.

-trip to NYC for a weekend! Excited to see all of my undergrad friends/take a coaching and lesson or two.

-continue to learn/coach Boheme for August

-begin work on Eternal Tao (an October opera I'm in, newly composed and funded by the Guggenheim Foundation)

-begin to learn Mabel for my OFTY tour.


See! When I write it all out, I feel busier. I could probably squeeze in a day or two at the beach though.

More on summer adventures as they happen.